A pastor once said, “There is only one way that you can know that you will receive what you pray for and that is if you pray according to God’s will.” But at that time I wondered if it was a sin to pray for something that you knew wasn’t according to God’s will. I had to learn the answer to that on my own…
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My husband and his brothers felt the same way. Their answer was “No. Don’t even pray”. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. They knew that God was going to call her home.
Pat , my husband as the oldest son of four boys took the job of caretaker to his dad and grandmother. His time was taken up with making sure they were fed, medicated and that they got their sleep. He spent his days getting them dressed and driven to see his mother, then home when they got too tired to sit in the hospital.
He listened to his grandmother mourn over her daughter’s dying and felt that he had to stay strong for her sake.
While he stayed with his family I stayed at home with my youngest daughter. I worked a few days a week and drove to the small town about an hour a way as often as I could to see my mom-in-law at the hospital.
So that was how I was sitting beside her bed one Sunday. I did the only thing I could think of doing at the time: I prayed.
Now I know how to pray and I made sure that I wasn’t the reason that God wouldn’t answer my prayers. I confessed and repented. I meditated on how to improve my interpersonal relationships. I sought scripture to know God’s will. And I prayed.
Did you know that Jesus, the perfect man, the only man without sin prayed a prayer that wasn’t answered? During his last hours, he prayed, “ Let this cup pass from me.” He knew what God’s will was. He had just told his disciples that the reason for his coming to earth was about to happen. Yet he prayed, “If it’s your will, let this cup pass from me.”
And so I took heart -- and I prayed as I sat holding LaWanda’s hand while she was sleeping.
My prayer was something like this, “Lord, I feel that your answer is ‘no’. I understand that the men around me are saying don’t even pray – but Your word says ‘pray about everything.’ Your word says ‘pray without ceasing.’ Father, I don’t know what to do if I can’t pray—so here I am: PLEASE Heal LaWanda!”
Just then she opened her eyes and said, “Pam, you’re not taking this very well -- are you?” I shook my head “no”. She said, “Pam, God and I have been talking about this. You have to let me go through with it. I want to do this. Please let me do this.”
“But LaWanda,” I said, “if I can’t pray for you – I feel so helpless. What can I do?”
“What you can do for me, Pam , is spend as much time as you can with me. Sit with me and let me share what I can with you, ok?”
So for the next six weeks I spent what time I could with her.
My mother-in-law shared the morphine induced visions. We laughed together at the monkey (death) who said he was going to get her but she knew that God would have the last laugh. We went on ‘walks’ as she told me about beautiful gardens and hospital chandeliers. We listened to sweet music that only she could hear.
After the first few times of her sharing her experiences we both realized that we couldn’t share the way we were when Pat or his dad was in the room. It was very upsetting to them. So we’d talk when we were alone.
One time she’d woke up and said -- “Wow, Pam you missed a good one this time.”
So when Pat and his dad went to supper I said, “Ok – what happened?”
“Oh, Pam—they was a big band over there in the corner—with all the instruments. They were playing ‘Sentimental Journey’. People were having such a grand time and I was swaying to the music. Then I noticed the monkey…”
“He’s always hanging around, isn’t he?”
She shook her head ‘yes’ and continued; “He was playing the base fiddle. Do you know what I did?”
“No, what did you do?”
“I stuck my tongue at him! I made him miss a beat too!”
I clapped my hands, “Good for you! That creature’s horrible!”
“He is and you should have seen the awful face he made at me after that!”
Another time she woke up—“I knew there would be lot’s of PURPLE”.
“What do you mean—lot’s of purple?”, I asked. My mother-in-law and I had had a running joke the whole time that I knew her. Her favorite color was pink, mine was purple. Until she met me she hated purple and I had always hated pink. She thought that purple looked like dirty pink and I always thought that pink was just washed out purple. We spent many hours gently arguing about the qualities of pink and purple. Of course, over time we had come to love the other color just because of who it represented, so when she said “I knew there would be lot’s of purple”, then I needed to listen. So I asked again, “What did you see that had lot’s of purple?”
“Well, I was visiting the garden.. you know, I’ve told you about the garden before. There were pink azaleas, white and yellow daisies. I was thinking how everything looks so beautiful, Pam—I really can’t explain how beautiful it is. The air smells so fresh. I can smell the tangy sweet of orange blossoms and roses. Everything was cool and there was dew on the leaves. I look around and saw this wall. It must have been eight feet tall and covered with a trailing vine covered with PURPLE flowers.
I always knew there would be lots of PURPLE flowers.”
“But you said it was the most beautiful place that you’ve ever seen there must be lots of pink in the garden then.”
“Oh there is,” she said, “but now that I know it’s there I can’t help but look at that awful wall of purple!”
God answered my prayer even though it obviously wasn’t in His will to give me what I asked for. He answered in a sweet, precious way. I knew that I hadn’t sinned,
Death of a loved one is probably the hardest thing that a human can endure. On one level it is a way to allow us to experience how sad sin makes God and how much Christ must love us to have died in our place.
On another level, it’s just plain wrong. People weren’t made to die. We were created for eternal life and anything less then that feels like we were shortchanged.
And so -- I will pray against death and it’s evil anytime I get a chance. But this one time, the Lord let me know that know that His love transcends our earthly problems and sometimes we just have to trust him.